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It's interesting how long people can go without realizing how different they are from others in certain aspects. I guess it's less surprising when it concerns aspects that aren't as apparent, especially because unless you really ask around you don't have anything to easily compare it to. I think I've always kind of noticed that the way I maintain and organize my friendships is different than most other people, but it's not until recent introspection that I really realized how different that might be.

I think a common way that people organize their friends is into different friend groups. Not too many though - maybe one main friend group and another smaller one from high school. New friends will be introduced to old ones and over time either join a friend group or be part of a new one. A big part of this is for efficiency, it's a lot easier to plan occasional big group hangs so that everyone gets to see everyone and it can way more fun as well. There's a social nourishment that comes from being a good host of a large group of people that individual hangouts can't entirely replicate.

However, I arrange most of my friendships very differently than this. I have a large number of small groups, or even better, a large number of individual friends. I might get hesitantly get absorbed into a group occasionally, but mostly through the efforts of others rather than my own. I can be a great friend to hang out with - I will make plans, discover activities, and try anything - but I will not take initiative to form friend groups or invite people to existing ones.

After some thought, I think a lot of this has to do with the way I engage in friendships in the first place. I'm a very activity oriented person. Left to my own devices, I will plan and do all sorts of fun and interesting stuff solo. When talking to others I let them know how much I love activities. If they do anything cool, or if they seem interested in anything I do, then I don't hesitate to plan something together.

In this way, I can make a lot of acquaintance/friends pretty quickly. Turns out repeatedly saying "that sounds cool, can I come?" or "I do stuff, want to join?" is a pretty good social cheat code. It's not all powerful though - most friendships that start as activity based stay activity based, and while we do get closer and talk more about life in general, they are fundamentally based on doing things together.

I think that's why it's hard to join and form friend groups. Fundamentally it means switching from meeting with someone to do a specific thing together, to hanging out with a whole group at once for the social vibe. It doesn't help that a lot of low effort group hangouts don't really interest me as much as planned activities, like generic video games or dinners or sometimes alcohol. I'd go if invited but not plan it on my own.

Another aspect is that since I'm so open to new experiences, I end up doing all kinds of different activities with all kinds of different people. This has actually been really great since no matter what I'm always willing to join someone doing something interesting, no matter what it is. It's also become kind of difficult because it means there's no single common set of activities that I share with everyone. Everybody has different interests, and while I don't mind it makes group events much harder.

I think that I can seem quite mysterious and socially adept when talking about my friends. It's sometimes hard to invite me because I always have an excuse like "oh I'm playing in a chess tournament with someone you don't know" or "oh, my other friend and I have a whole pottery thing going on together" or even "oh I love that game; I play it all the time with other friends". I imagine the chorus of excuses must seem to indicate at a rich and extroverted social life. In reality, though, I'm really not as popular as all the vague indications to other friend groups might seem. It will always be pretty activity based, rarely branching out beyond that.

Having laid it all out, I think I'm quite happy with the situation that I have. It is certainly a privelege to be able to such a variety of different things with such a variety of different people. It's true that I could do more to introduce different sets of friends and try to create real social circles. I think that maybe I do have some amount of anxiety that they wouldn't quite mesh super well and the end result would be kind of awkward for me. My activities and friends are eccentric enough that I think this anxiety might even be well placed. However, it is quite a delight when it turns out people I know with already get along, and I can join in without worrying about social lubricant.

I'd say I have at 4 different entire distinct friend groups, spread out over Chicago, Toronto, and the internet, that I talk to at least once a year. Maybe more if you count various groups of family members that I see, or individual friends I occasionally chat with. I guess another benefit of this system is that I can get a whole lot of socializing if I so desire it. My social meter doesn't dip too far because by keeping the hangouts activity based it's easy to stay engaged.

Perhaps the biggest flaw of this is that I don't have any super close friends. I sometimes describe a lot of these people as acquaintances more than friends; it's rare to sit down and have a heart to heart or be emotionally vulnerable with them. Still, that's not a big concern for me, practically, and maybe if it does become one then I can change things up. Until then, I will continue to appreciate having an unually active and interesting type of social life.